::youandiwe:regonnaliveforever::

chris told me i am a drama queen who is addicted to conflict.
i call it: alcoholism mixed with narcissism.
i am right.

so i have an ulcer.
and i just wanted to say that i thoroughly enjoyed telling the intake person at the ER that i was internally bleeding. seriously, she looked horrified.
...now back to pooping and puking black....

there is not enough time in the day...or days in the week...and so on and so on...
i keep wishing time away and then wanting it not to end. it is the worst.
i feel like there is so much to do but no suitable time to do it.

things that could be dealt with in literally 5-10 minutes, are unattainable, or completely too complicated to drag 2 children along. then once chris is home, i don't really want to go do anything. does this make sense to anyone?

i feel so unmotivated. but motivated. i'm so confused.
everything becomes a hindrance.
i'm frustrated.
mostly with myself i guess.

i'm really excited to go the beach tomorrow for the first time this YEAR! i can't believe it's been over a year...because i LOVE the beach. 2 children at the beach is gross. but i'll get through it with help from ms. amanda.

i'm really lucky to have all that i do. i realize this to an extent, but tend to dwell on the negative--or worry. i am real good at worrying.

i also hate how money dictates everything in life. why is it i'm always wishing for just a little bit more? maybe it's because i have to pay at&t $300 and my new verizon bill is $140/month. lesson learned. at&t, although shitty, was only $80 TOPS for me and chris to have exactly what we have now.

sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and pay up. i suppose everything is just going to keep getting more and more expensive so fuck it. just live for today...no, not really. we have to buy a house come spring. this one is definitely coming down. i've been given official notice. blows. ah well...the economy can only stay in the shitter so long...

me and chris need raises. i hope the price of bread goes up again because my raise this year is only $.50/hour instead of the usual $1 and sometimes $2. bah.

we need a house. somebody help.

start over.
pictures off my cell phone that give me hahas:

i give up trying to be friends with people i can not stand to be around. if the truth hurts, i apologize but life is too short to put forth effort that is not reciprocated. i'm sure i will receive much grief, but i need to move on.

for years it has been a guessing game...will he make it or won't he?
it's all over now, and it's strange.

i think i wrote an entry about grandpa a few years ago...i should try to find it now.

how in the world?

apparently just saying you'll take a place is not enough for a landlord to let you move in anymore. It's like the entire summer of job interviewing all over again, but now instead of possible employers calling to say it's between you and another person, it's asshole landlords calling to say we picked a married couple over you and your children who are being thrown out on the street. FUCKING ASSHOLES.

p.s. we are moving in with my parents tomorrow. this could be the worst decision in the history of the world.

http://www.comcast.net/news/health/index.jsp?cat=HEALTHWELLNESS&fn=/2007/08/24/747465.html&cvqh=itn_childbirthdeaths


U.S. Maternal Deaths on the Rise
By MIKE STOBBE, AP Medical Writer

2 hours ago

ATLANTA - U.S. women are dying from childbirth at the highest rate in decades, new government figures show. Though the risk of death is very small, experts believe increasing maternal obesity and a jump in Caesarean sections are partly to blame.

Some numbers crunchers note that a change in how such deaths are reported also may be a factor.

"Those of us who look at this a lot say it's probably a little bit of both," said Dr. Jeffrey King, an obstetrician who led a recent New York state review of maternal deaths.

The U.S. maternal mortality rate rose to 13 deaths per 100,000 live births in 2004, according to statistics released this week by the National Center for Health Statistics.

The rate was 12 per 100,000 live births in 2003 _ the first time the maternal death rate rose above 10 since 1977.

To be sure, death from childbirth remains fairly rare in the United States. The death of infants is much more common _ the nation's infant mortality rate was 679 per 100,000 live births in 2004.

Maternal deaths were a much more common tragedy long ago. Nearly one in every 100 live births resulted in a mother's death as recently as 90 years ago.

But the fact that maternal deaths are rising at all these days is shocking, said Tim Davis, a Virginia man whose wife Elizabeth died after childbirth in 2000.

"The hardest thing to understand is how in this day and age, in a modern hospital with doctors and nurses, that somebody can just die like that," he said.

Some health statisticians note the total number of maternal deaths _ still fewer than 600 each year _ is small. It's so small that 50 to 100 extra deaths could raise the rate, said Donna Hoyert, a health scientist with the National Center for Health Statistics. The rate is the number of deaths per 100,000 live births.

In 2003, there was a change in death certificate questions in the nation's most populous state, California, as well as Montana and Idaho. That may have resulted in more deaths being linked to childbirth _ enough push up the 2003 rate, Hoyert said.

Some researchers point to the rising C-section rate, now 29 percent of all births _ far higher than what public health experts say is appropriate. Like other surgeries, Caesareans come with risks related to anesthesia, infections and blood clots.

"There's an inherent risk to C-sections," said Dr. Elliott Main, who co-chairs a panel reviewing obstetrics care in California. "As you do thousands and thousands of them, there's going to be a price."

Excessive bleeding is one of the leading causes of pregnancy-related death, and women with several previous C-sections are at especially high risk, according to a review of maternal deaths in New York. Blood vessel blockages and infections are among the other leading causes.

Experts also say obesity may be a factor. Heavier women are more prone to diabetes and other complications, and they may have excess tissue and larger babies that make a vaginal delivery more problematic. That can lead to more C-sections. "It becomes this sort of snowball effect," said King, who is now medical director of maternal-fetal medicine at Riverside Methodist Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.

The age of mothers could be a factor, too. More women are giving birth in their late 30s and 40s, when complications risks are greater.

Other characteristics of the maternal mortality rate include:

_Race: Studies have found that the maternal death rate in black women is at least three times greater than is it is for whites. Black women are more susceptible to complications like high blood pressure and are more likely to get inadequate prenatal care.

_Quality of care: Three different studies indicate at least 40 percent of maternal deaths could have been prevented.

Sometimes, there is no clear explanation for a woman's death.

Valerie Scythes, a 35-year-old elementary schoolteacher, died in March at a hospital in New Jersey _ the state with the highest Caesarean section rate. She had had a C-section, as did another teacher at the same school who died after giving birth at the same hospital two weeks later.

However, Scythes died of a blocked blood vessel and the other woman died from bleeding, said John Baldante, a Philadelphia attorney investigating the death for Scythes' family.

"I'm not sure there was any connection between the two deaths," Baldante said.

Also mysterious was the death of Tim Davis' 37-year-old wife, Elizabeth, who died a day after a vaginal delivery at a Danville, Va., hospital in September 2000.

She had a heart attack after a massive blood loss, Davis said. It's not clearly known what caused the heavy bleeding. There was no autopsy, he said, a decision he now regrets.

Two previous births had gone well.

"Nothing led us to believe anything was wrong with this pregnancy. She was like a picture of health," he continued, noting she had been a YMCA fitness instructor.

A lawsuit against the hospital ended in a settlement. Davis also sued the obstetrician, but a jury ruled in the doctor's favor.

The child born that day, Ethan, starts second grade next week. "He's a happy kid," Davis said. "He's just never had a mom."

___

On the Net:

National Center for Health Statistics 2004 deaths report:

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr55/nvsr55_19.pdf

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

http://s231.photobucket.com/albums/ee202/bedforditesale/

make an offer...or just come take it out of our house...yeah.

I'll keep adding more pictures throughout the week.

as most of you know, i'll be having a party on the 14th.
so if you have a myspace or a facebook, check your event invitations.
i just want to have a good time. i hope more than the usual crowd comes...just so i don't feel too hated. ha.

i love you usual crowd: ella, kyle, kara, gary, husband, and sisterrrr!!!

http://grappone.com/profile.asp?VIN=1C4GP54L6YB544336&xMake=&FilterMake=0

we drive a minivan now. sweet.

I can NOT believe he was 2 months old yesterday! it's amazing how time flies when you're in love...

i'm on a roll right now, so if you need something sold on ebay, let me know.

today while i put a bunch of stuff on ebay, my family slept.

stop using a date to describe this era in history.
fuckers.

NOT a big deal.

http://www.wmur.com/family/10722750/detail.html#

hahaha

it's good to be home and away from the blue lights.

we're still in the hospital...well, at least christopher is. i've been discharged, but the wonderful nurses have finagled a way for me to continue staying here without "staying here" so i can continue breastfeeding and obviously, be with my baby.

last night sucked as we were told by one nurse we could bring baby home and within 5 minutes told the doc said no. emotional much? yes i am. especially since my mom was in a mood to make me feel like a horrible person with a horrible husband when i called to tell her the news.

the real issue isn't so much that christopher has to stay, i mean he needs to get better...it's dealing with annabelle and what to do with her. she doesn't exactly like staying in a hospital room for hours at a time, and as much as my mom will say "i'll take her" and "chris should be with you and the baby" i don't think she really means it, and there was proof of that last night on the phone when i just had to hang up. anyway, this entry wasn't designed to be a bitchfest about mom, it was just to sort of update a little bit.

things are getting better and we're keeping our fingers crossed that new years eve can be spent as a family of four at our home. i don't feel like seeing anybody else but the 3 most important people in my life, so sorry if we push visitors off for another week or so. i don't know how to explain how important it is that christopher actually spends some time with his mom, dad, and sis. i'm scared he's not going to know who's who since he's been locked in the damn light bed for the past 3 days.

happy new year...i hope 2007 lives up to 2006